Born Again

In March of 2009 I took a flight from Houston back to my home in Ohio. Seated next to me on the 3 ½ hour flight was a crass, fast-talking sport agent from Los Angeles headed to a UFC fight. Not long into the flight he began to share stories of his life-all revolving around alcohol, sex and million dollar deals-no doubt thinking he was impressing this midwestern girl with his “exciting” life. I’m sure he never imagined that as he was talking I was looking for my opportunity to talk about God.

Airplanes are one of my favorite places to share the Gospel with people. Something about uninterrupted time with a complete stranger that I’ll probably never see again emboldens me. I figure I have nothing to lose. If the conversation goes bad or weird I figure I’ll just read my magazine, put on my ipod and never see the person again. So as the guy mentioned another one of his drunken nights bailing out his clients from jail for fighting I seized my opportunity and mentioned that I had never been drunk-knowing full well that I’d get a reaction from him! He looked at me like I was an alien with three heads. He was shocked that I had never been drunk and asked me why. I told him I was a Christian and I try to live my life according to the Bible and while the Bible doesn’t say that drinking is wrong, it does say not to get drunk. This opened the door for several hour chat about God. He asked me why God allows suffering and other deep questions. I answered the best way I could and gave him web sites to check out for more info. He asked me if I really believed that God knew and planned everything that was going to happen before it occurred. I said yes, why do you think you’re sitting next to me for 3 hours?! We both laughed and I remembered back to how I first came in contact with God.

I grew up going to Catholic church as a young child and around age 9 we changed to a Methodist church. I always believed in God and prayed but never really grasped what it meant to be born again. By high school I stopped going to church and was far more interested in living life my way and keeping up with whatever my friends were doing. My friends weren’t always making the best choices and thankfully God intervened in my life before I made too many mistakes.

The summer after I turned 16 my best friend went to a Christian music festival where she accepted Christ. She came back a completely different person, which definitely got my attention. A couple days after she got back I left to go on vacation with her and her family for 3 weeks-definitely something God timed perfectly! We drove to California from Ohio (yes totally crazy!). It was 42 hours one way! Needless to say we had lots of time to talk and just like the guy stuck next to me on the airplane, I was stuck next to a new Christian who was eager to share her faith. Somewhere on the trip we stopped at a Christian bookstore and I bought a student study Bible. God was beginning to change my heart and I was eager to read His word. I hung on every verse, so excited to finally have answers to questions I didn’t even realize I had. The day after we returned from our trip in the early morning of July 17, 1999, alone in my bedroom I accepted Christ as my Savior. I understood that I was a sinner (Romans 3:23) and on my own merit would never be able to got to Heaven. I understood Jesus was God’s Son, lived a sinless life and died on the cross for my sins. 3 days later He rose from the dead conquering sin and death (John 3:16). I understood that accepting Jesus as my Savior and asking forgiveness for my sins and turning from those sins and allowing Him to rule and reign in my life was the only way for me to go to Heaven (2 Corinthians 4:18, John 14:6). I also knew that I would never be the same again- I was a new creation in Christ. Revelation 21:5a (NKJV) “Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.”

2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV) “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”

As I think back to the guy on the flight next to me, I pray for him that he makes a choice to give his life over to Christ. Our conversation didn’t bring about a conversion or even a hint of belief but I know I planted a seed and that’s the most any of us can do. Life is so quick-the blink of an eye-as believers we have a chance to affect the eternal destination of people by sharing the gospel with them. Who is your life doesn’t know Jesus? Maybe a co-worker, family member, friend or neighbor? Make it a priority to pray for them and share the Gospel with them. You may only get one shot.

Sunny Days on the Horizon

I'm happy to report that at least in this moment things are going a little better for me physically and it gives me hope that this may be the time in my life when things finally get better for good. I have prayed for 9 yrs for a specific health problem to be healed and in this very week I discovered my problem is practically gone and I no longer have to visit the dr once a week for treatment. I cannot tell you what an answer to prayer this is and it came at just the right time.

Last week I got results from a stomach biopsy that showed damage of unknown origin. The drs thought I may have celiac disease but I found out today that I do not have it although I am still waiting on blood results to see if I have a wheat sensitivity/allergy, which I don't think is the issue. So this basically took us back to square one trying to figure out what is damaging my stomach-is it some type of food allergy or the medications I take or both (which I suspect)? There is definitely an allergy component because what sent me to the dr in the first place is I'm having what feels like an allergic reaction in my throat when I consume certain foods & liquids. So anyways last week I was feeling pretty down to know there is some type of actual damage and I don't know what is causing it but the damage may be a blessing because at least my drs seem more motivated to actually get to the bottom of this now!

So in the midst of these results just like that I get an answer to prayer with another health issue. It made me cry because in that moment I felt God telling me, I do see you and I haven't forgotten you. So I rest in that promise now and look forward to a future with hopefully less pain, knowing that God does hear my prayers even if He doesn't always answer them the way I want or in the time frame I want. He still hears me and He loves me. And I rejoice in the many blessings in my life. I have incredible friends & family, a church & Bible study group I love, jobs I enjoy, the ability to work even on bad pain days, financial provision even when times have been tough and most importantly my savior Jesus who forgives me, loves me and will never leave me. Really since the illness of my mom last August I have faced one trial after another physically and financially and while I certainly haven't dealt with it the best at all I know there has been much purpose in it all, some I have a glimpse of now and some yet to be revealed. It is so true that God turns everything to good.

Romans 8:28 (NIV)
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

So just as sunny days are literally on the horizon here in Ohio (although you'd never know that today!) my prayer is the "sunny" days are ahead for my health too! Thank you all for your prayers & support especially with my health the last few months. It means so very much to me.

You Are Not Alone

So far today has been a good day pain wise (Praise God!) so it felt like an appropriate time to process all that is going on in my life. I apologize in advance if this post is a lot of rambling …as I have a feeling it will be. It’s no secret that things have been bad lately. If you want to know how bad check out the 2 posts before this one. It’s hard for me to even read them especially since today is a good day. I want to forget how bad those terrible pain days can be. I wrestled with even writing the last post days ago. I have this rule for myself that I never write an email, blog post or even update my twitter or facebook when I’m in a bad pain state. That may sound like a funny rule but when I am in terrible pain I become irrational and hopeless and when I feel better I tend to regret anything I said in that state so it’s better to say nothing at all. But last Thursday I decided I had to get it all out. Show how bad it can be. Certainly on some level it was therapeutic for me but the reason I left it up (after going back in forth in my mind a million times) was because of all of you. Because of the messages you’ve sent me about your situations, the pain you’re in. I left that post up for you. I want you to know you’re not alone. I feel your pain. I know what it’s like to be in so much pain that you can’t think of anything else. I know what’s it’s like to get no relief from pain and feel utterly hopeless about everything. I know what it’s like to go to doctor after doctor and do everything they tell you to do and still get worse. I know what it’s like to desire a full, abundant life and then spend so many days isolated in pain. I know what it’s like to feel like even though you have amazing people in your life no one really understands what you go through. I know what’s it’s like to love the Lord and desire to serve Him and have a life that counts and feel immense frustration for spending so much time unable to leave the house. I know what it’s like in the quiet of the night to feel ashamed that you wonder how God could love you and let you suffer so much. I’ve been there and am there and you are not alone. You are not invisible. I see you and my heart aches for you.

But you and I cannot stay in the pit of the pain that we are in. We cannot let the pain define our life, our choices, our relationships, our walk with the Lord. Surely it’s easier said that done but I believe that with God all things are possible. It’s easy for me on good days like today to feel like my old self-happy, hopeful for the future, secure in my relationship with God. But on those can’t-leave-the-couch pain days life looks different. I’m sad, hopeless and wondering why God is allowing this pain with no relief or answers. But what God is showing me through messages at church, books I’ve been reading, and Bible studies I’m in (don’t you love when the all messages seem just for you? I’m listening Lord!) is that I need to have a faith in Him that can weather any storm. Not a faith easily swayed by my circumstances. Honestly I don’t know how to change that and maybe you don’t either but the amazing thing is God will change us when we invite Him to do so. He’s changing me, slowly but surely. And I have no doubt that without this relentless pain He wouldn’t have been able to teach me this lesson. How do you learn to have an unshakeable, deep faith in God without trials? I don’t think you can. It’s easy to love God and serve Him when everything is going great but far more challenging when you’re in the midst of trial. So I’m learning the hard way right now to love God and know that He loves me even when my pain doesn’t get better. To trust that He has a good plan and future for me even when things seem to be going from bad to worse. I believe the Bible to be completely, inerrantly true and it’s time to put that in practice and believe God for the promises His word says even when I can’t see what He’s doing. Last night in Bible study on the video we watched I heard an analogy that really encouraged me. The pastor likened us to kids. Using the example that as children our parents make us go to the dentist and we whine and cry and can’t understand why our parents would be so mean to let us go thru pain at the dentist. But as a child you can’t see the full picture. Your parents taking you to the dentist is actually an act of love for you because they know that you need healthy teeth for your future. In the same way in the midst of pain –whether physical or emotional-it’s easy to look to God and question His love for us in letting us suffer. But just as children, we can’t see the big picture. I don’t know what’s on the other side of this pain. I don’t know how God will use this pain. How this pain fits into the broader plan and purpose for my life. But God does and He is working even when I can’t see it. So are you ready to join me? To abandon a false faith based on circumstances and trade it in for unshakeable faith with Jesus as the foundation? It’s time to fix our eyes on Him and not the circumstances that hold us down! May God help us all.

I'm Still Here..

Hey Guys,
Sorry for the lack of blogging this last month. I even have posts that I've written out but haven't had the energy to type, posts that I've typed and haven't even edited to post. Lately my pain has been so bad and the fatigue I experience is even worse than the pain. I have gone to every doctor under the sun, sometimes even spending $100/week on copays lately. I've tried everything they tell me to do and still my pain, fatigue and unexplained infections persist. I've been sad more days than I've been happy lately. And no I'm not depressed in the clinical sense. I don't need anti-depressants. I need to stop being in pain 24/7. I know as a Christian that my joy is to be in the Lord and not conditional on circumstances but it's REALLY hard to not be down when you feel bad all the time. All I do anymore is work and when I'm not working I'm lying down, feeling bad trying to have enough energy to be able to go to work again. Imagine how you feel when you have the flu-in pain, tired, run down-now imagine feeling that way for years and no one helps you. That's how I feel. I've been told fibromyalgia isn't a progressive disease meaning you don't get progressively worse over time but that is certainly not my experience. I used to have pain a few days a week or even a few months in a row with a several month break but now pain is an everyday occurrence. The last time I remember having even one pain free day was last June-9 months ago. And literally it may have been a day or two.

I hate how this post sounds, really how most of my posts have been lately. I hate being negative but I'm beat down and scared. Scared that the pain will stay the same... or get worse. Scared of not having the money to pay all these doctor bills. Scared of losing my mind from the pain. Scared that if my friends and family really knew how bad things were they wouldn't want to be around me. I feel worried everytime someone asks me how I'm doing lately that if I'm honest that it's not been good that they'll stop being my friend. I know it sounds crazy to say that but I feel like you're only given a certain number of times when you can say things are bad before it starts to get awkward for people. Maybe I'm underestimating the people in my life and how much they care for me... I'm sure I am...but I just feel so guilty telling the truth. I don't want to be the Debbie Downer that people avoid. And certainly I'm not this crying, complaining unplesant person to be around at all I don't think. Actually being around people tends to give me energy and even if I don't physically feel better it helps me mentally feel better which definitely shows in my mood. Like I said I'm sure it's all in my head and just another example of me being way too hard on myself.

But despite how bad it is lately I'm praying to stay positive. And I say praying to stay positive instead of trying because I've got no more "try" left in me. I need God's strength to really do anything. It's March now though (Praise the Lord!) and probably about 6-8 weeks from consistently nice weather here. I'm also hoping to go on some trips to visit friends soon. Vacations, warm weather and sun usually help me a lot. So I hold onto to the hope that some pain free, fun days will be in my future. And I'm trying to remain grateful for even small victories. A good night of sleep. A day with less pain. The ability to get through a day of work. The energy to get dinner with a friend. And I'm thankful for the friends and family that have stuck by me. My amazing mother who listens to me everyday and tells me that someday the pain won't be so bad. The friends who still ask me to hang out despite the times I have to cancel for feeling bad. And I'm asking for God's grace to comfort me and encourage me through what has been an especially dark valley. He is good all the time no matter what.