Friday, April 6, 2012

Season of Struggle

It's been a 6 week hiatus for me from blogging. While I love sharing with all of you and trying to be an encouragement and blessing I've had to be in survival mode lately. The last 9 weeks I have had one trial after another. From the stomach flu to a sinus infection to bronchitis to a bacterial infection in my colon (yes it's as gross as you imagine!). Somehow I dealt with all this sickness all the while trying to deal with increased fibromyalgia pain, work and mounting financial challenges. To be honest I feel very overwhelmed at times. And other than a few very close friends/family members I didn't feel much like sharing. It was hard to deal with day to day life much less find time to blog and quite honestly it's hard to share with others how to find purpose in the pain when you feel done trying to find purpose in the pain yourself and just want it to go away.

But in the midst of this season of struggle one beautiful thing emerged. Back in January after I went to LA I felt God for the first time ever in my 18 yr struggle with chronic pain impress upon my heart to pray for total healing of my fibromyalgia. Praying for total healing has been exciting, risky and hard. All of the physical stuff Ive been dealing with lately was used as quite an attack at times to try to doubt God's healing and provision for me but these attacks have made my resolve to pray that much stronger. I would love your prayers too!

So what has God taught me in this wilderness?

To seek Him- the last few weeks I've prayed and wondered often what to do about my health and finances. As I've prayed for God's wisdom and discernment I kept hearing 2 things.

Hope in the Lord and

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33

When I checked the context of that verse in Matthew, Jesus said that right after he said not to worry about what you eat or drink, your clothes etc. That God knows what you need and will provide it. That's when I had my light bulb moment, so wait I'm not supposed to worry about these things at all and instead seek God and let Him take care of it?

I felt God clearly say to me yes Martha! And I totally got it. I've been running around worrying about my problems, trying to fix them and control circumstances that are largely out of my control and God just wants me to sit at His feet and seek Him!

What relief fell over me! I've been burning myself out trying to fix my problems and God just wants me to seek Him and trust Him. I finally for the first understand His yoke IS easy and His burden IS light.

So here I am trying to practically walk out the lessons God has taught me. The goal of my days are to seek Him, read my Bible, encourage whoever I can, and pray for those specific people he's told me to pray for. Have my problems gone away? No. Am I as consumed with worry by them? No. I mean I'm still me so yes sometimes I worry way more than I should but it's getting better. I can honestly say with all assurance I only want what God wants for my life and I trust him to show that to me. And as scary and risky as change is (I'm not a person that likes change too much!) I realize that for things to get better change has to happen and so I welcome it even if it stretches me more than ever before.

Thank you all immensely for your prayers, encouraging tweets and kind emails to me over the last 2 months. It has meant the world to me. I'm excited to see what God will do in my life and am excited to share the journey with all of you!

So what's God been teaching you lately?