It is my ritual every fall to bring fall colors and textures to my doorstep as we prepare for and welcome in the season.
I cover the front of my home with pretty things. Yet, I am aware of a heaviness, darkness lurking around the corner.
October 29 will mark ten years since my brother’s death.
Every fall, I am physically aware of this anniversary. I begin to feel the weight of it on my shoulders, my mood becomes more depressed, and I find myself waiting, counting down the days until it will finally pass.
So, I dress up my home with pretty things, reminders of fall, in an effort to hide how I really feel.
Don’t we do that? Pretend. We put on a smile and pretend that we are not really struggling inside.
I found freedom the day I finally came clean about what was really going on inside. It took me almost 5 years after my brother’s death, to finally admit out loud that my appearance was deceiving everyone. I may have looked like I had it all together, but inside I was a mess.
I was enslaved by my facade of perfection. I finally yielded to God's guiding hand and found the strength and ability to admit the true state of my spirit. I was tired of pretending.
With fall comes a sting for me. This time of year reminds me of loss and grief. However, I am finding purpose in the reminder.
What I am reminded of now is His light, too. Over the last ten years Christ’s light has shown brighter and stronger with each passing year. Wounds of grief slowly healing. I still struggle with the facade of perfection, but His light is finding a path to my core.
Fall arrives this year as before, but I am beginning to see that it can serve as a reminder of something greater than my pain - His Sovereignty, Faithfulness, and Redemptive Power.
About the Author: Jana Finch
Christ-follower. Writer. Blogger. Mom of two boys. Air Force Wife. Rock Climber. Almost 40. I found His still small voice in the simple and quiet farmland of Belgium. At jana’s three dresses I share my story in a raw and transparent way. My story is one of Life after Death; of Redemption and Sanctification found on my journey through Grief. (Psalm 30: 11,12)
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